


The Smallest Coffins Are The Heaviest

by Winters_Daughter



Series: Connection [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alpha Clint Barton, Alpha Steve Rogers, Alpha Thor (Marvel), Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Beta Bruce Banner, F/M, M/M, Miscarriage, Not Canon Compliant, Omega Bucky Barnes, Omega Natasha Romanov, Pack Dynamics, Pack Family, Pack Feels, Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-12
Updated: 2020-06-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:54:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24674200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Winters_Daughter/pseuds/Winters_Daughter
Summary: The pack deals with a loss.(I've turned this universe into a bunch of one shots, if you have any request comment and let me know)
Relationships: Clint Barton/Natasha Romanov, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Series: Connection [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1779271
Comments: 4
Kudos: 68





	The Smallest Coffins Are The Heaviest

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Miscarriage. 
> 
> My best friend just suffered from a miscarriage, so I wrote this as a sort of goodbye to my godbaby that I'll never meet.

_ “‘There is no heartbeat.’ 4 words. 4 words to end the life I had. 4 words to change who I was. It will never be the same again. I will never be the same again.” – Kerin Lee _

  
  


Bucky walked along the trail slowly, eyes hovering over the crowds looking for the big stupid blond that he somehow fell for. He spotted him over by the butcher shop, talking to the owner. Probably about what to prepare for dinner tonight. Bucky will never get used to the whole village eating dinner together, like one big family. Steve says they are a big family, a pack he called them. Steve was pack Alpha. There was a council as well, they met every Saturday morning to discuss what was going on and if something needed to change, normally they voted on a decision but since Steve is the pack Alpha he gets the final say. 

"Steve!" Bucky called out, Steve turned and smiled when he saw Bucky. He felt warm, content, and very happy. 

That's another thing Bucky doesn't ever think he'll get used to, being able to just know how someone is feeling and whether they're hurt or not. They call it the Connection. Everyone here is connected in some way, meaning they can all feel something from each other but only those who choose to mate can feel everything.

Steve, as the pack Alpha, has a deep connection with his whole pack, they don't have one with him though. It's one of the reasons why he's always out and about, making sure his packmates are okay. 

Steve said something else to the butcher shop owner then walked over to Bucky. He still had that big smile on his face, his eyes bright and filled with joy. "Hey, Buck. Did you need something?" 

"No," Bucky shook his head, standing on his tiptoes to lean over and give Steve a kiss. "Just missed you." 

"I missed you too, you big sap." 

"Not as big a sap as you," Bucky chuckled. 

Steve opened his mouth to respond when he suddenly froze and turned around sharply. He stood still for a moment, staring at the small crowd of people walking and going about their business. His eyes kept moving over the people, like he was searching for someone.

A few seconds later Bucky heard a scream. 

Steve took off running, Bucky chased after him. They ran past the people shopping, who were now standing still and looked sad. They ran past the wide open space in the center of the village and ran out into the field where people had stopped working and now stood still staring at a young woman. She was cradling her stomach and screaming, obviously in pain. Steve didn't stop running until he reached her, then he gathered her up in his huge arms and held her as she sobbed. 

"My baby!" She screamed. "Please, please no." 

Bucky slowed to a stop and stood a few paces away from them. He listened to Steve try and soothe her, whispering sweet nothings and an endless stream of "It'll be okay". She didn't seem to hear him. Sobs shook her small frame, pleas falling from her mouth. Steve must have held her for half an hour before he felt someone come up behind him. He looked over to find Bruce, Thor and Natasha next to him, staring at the hysterical woman who kept screaming about her baby and begging.

Bruce sighed sadly and walked over to them, talking softly to the poor woman as she clung to Steve. 

"What's going on?" Bucky asked quietly, not wanting to bring too much attention to himself and away from the woman who needed it. He turned to look at Thor and Natasha in question. 

Thor closed his eyes. "She has lost her pup." 

"Oh," Bucky said, he'd probably be acting like that too if he lost his kid. "Then why are we just standing here? Shouldn't we be looking for them?" 

Thor shook his head. "That is not what I mean, young omega." 

Bucky turned to Natasha in confusion. She was staring at the woman. "He means she miscarried." 

"Oh," Bucky said softly. "Shouldn't she be bleeding?" when his sister miscarried she bled all over his couch where she was sleeping. 

"She will soon." Natasha answered, monotone. "But she knows. Her pup's heart stopped." 

"That's horrible." Bucky looked down. His sister was a wreck for months after her miscarriage, especially when she saw other pregnant women or children. She almost drank herself into a coma around the time she would have given birth. Steve lifted the woman up, no longer hysterical but still crying and cradling her stomach, and carried her towards the town. Bruce followed after them. "What's going to happen now?"

"We will hold a ceremony for the lost pup tomorrow." Thor's eyes trailed after them. "Sharon will get the help she needs to move on." 

"You never move on." Natasha said quietly, her voice bland and empty. She stared in the direction of the town, lost in thought then sniffed and turned sharply, walking farther down the path towards the gate.

Bucky stared after her. The way she said that, it was almost like she knew. Becca never completely got over her miscarriage, even years later when she had three children. She was terrified of having another miscarriage, then when she didn't and had three beautiful boys she thought she did something wrong with her first baby. When she was drunk enough, or if it was a bad day, she would quietly ask Bucky what he thought the one she lost would have looked like. If they would have been like their brothers. If they would have been the sister they always ask for. 

"Has she…?" Bucky turned to Thor, who thankfully understood his silent question. He nodded silently then sighed and walked back towards town. Leaving Bucky alone.

Bucky stared at the direction Natasha took off in, wondering if he should follow or get Clint. Sometimes Becca just needed to be alone, she wanted to mourn her child and drink her grief away. Other times she needed her husband or Bucky or someone to just hold her and remind her that it wasn't her fault. That she didn't kill her baby. 

Turns out he didn't have to wonder long. 

"She take off?" Bucky turned to see Clint, looking sad and depressed. He nodded silently and watched as Clint sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. "I figured. This kind of thing isn't easy for anyone here, least of all those who have also lost their pup." 

"I'm sorry," Bucky said honestly. "My sister miscarried and it took a long time for her to move on, and even then there were times when she mourned." 

Clint nodded. "I'm sorry to hear that." 

They stood in silence for a while. Long enough that people started working and returning to their day again, tragedy put on hold until tomorrow. They moved to sit on a large rock closer to the gate, there weren't any people this far out. Only them and their silence. He doesn't know why he stayed with Clint, but something told him that he needed some company. Maybe it was the connection, maybe it was telling him not to leave Clint alone. He was obviously in pain and needed to talk, he just had to wait for him to open up. Until then, Bucky would look out at the walls and the land, filled with gorgeous flowers and some wildlife. Some people were in their wolf form lazing about in the sun, others were tilling the land. They looked pretty small from where he was sitting, but it was nice to look at nonetheless. 

"We were so excited," Clint said, after hours of silence. The sun was just beginning to set and Steve was probably wondering where he was. "We tried for so long, we thought the worst that could happen was if she never got pregnant. We never even thought about losing the pup." 

Bucky looked at Clint, shoulders hunched, head bowed. "No one expects to miscarry. It just happens, nothing you can do about it."

"Maybe." Clint's eyes were filled with tears, he sniffed and rubbed at them. "We thought she was infertile. She was experimented on when she was young so we thought that was why she wasn't carrying. But years later, after getting nowhere, right when we were about to give up, she woke up and just...smiled. She was so happy, and it took me a few seconds to figure out why. We did everything we could. Everything." 

Bucky reached out to touch Clint, then pulled back, unsure whether it would be welcomed or not. He watched as he desperately tried to not cry. 

"We thought we were safe. Most miscarriages happen in the first trimester and she was 16 weeks. We were out buying stuff for a nursery." Clint squeezed his eyes shut and leaned towards Bucky. "We were discussing names. We were having a boy, so I wanted Charles, after my brother but she doesn't like that name and she doesn't like him. I was just about to get her to agree with it for a middle name when she stopped talking and just froze. I knew, right then I knew what happened. I could feel some of it, but not as much as she did. She started screaming and crying and begging. Steve showed up and helped me get her to Bruce." 

Clint looked down at his hands, he straightened them and moved them a few inches apart. "He was this big. His eyes were closed and he looked peaceful, like he was asleep. But he was dead. My baby boy was gone and Natasha was broken. She blamed herself, and when she got pregnant again and again and again only to lose our pups, it just got worse. She says it's her fault. That there's something wrong with her. She still hasn't forgiven herself and she thinks I blame her too, that I'm going to leave her."

Clint was openly crying now, Bucky turned towards him and squeezed his shoulder. Clint leaned into it. 

"I'm so sorry Clint." Bucky pulled him in for a hug, Clint welcomed it, holding on to the front of his shirt tightly as he cried. "I can't even imagine. I'm so sorry." 

"We lost seven pups." Clint said softly, his voice scratchy and broken. "We should have seven pups running around, but we don't. We have seven graves."

Bucky just managed to stop himself from verbally expressing his shock. Seven? Becca was gutted over just the one, if she had miscarried her other three pregnancies she probably wouldn't be alive. 

Clint held on to him. "We stopped having sex for a while, she didnt want to risk losing more pups, but we started again last year. I don't know if she's lost more, but I think she has." 

"Don't do that, Clint." Bucky said firmly. He moved Clint and forced him to meet his eyes. "Don't torment yourself like that." 

"But what if she has?" Clint said desperately, this was obviously something he's been thinking about for a while and now his fear is pouring out. "What if she lost another pup and didn't tell me? What if she's suffering? I should be there for her." 

"You can't think like that, Clint. Don't torture yourself over this, okay?" 

Clint silently pondered that, then nodded. "I won't, but she's been acting weird. She's staring at the pups around town and I caught her with her hand on her stomach last week. She did that before, when it got real bad, but she hasn't said anything to me." 

"Maybe she doesn't know how." Bucky said calmly. "When my sister miscarried she was terrified to tell her husband. Scared of what he'd say, what he'd do. You two have lost a lot, she's probably terrified." 

"She should still tell me!" Clint screamed, he pulled away and tore at his hair. "If she lost another pup, I should know! She has no right to keep that from me, I'm their dad!" Clint slumped against Bucky and let out a sob. "I'm her mate. If she lost another pup, she'll need me." 

Bucky didn't know what to say, so he just held him as he buried his head in Buckys chest and cried. He rubbed small circles on his back and gently rocked them back and forth while he tried to remember what he did for Becca when she got like this. 

"Clint?" Bucky looked over to see Natasha standing a few feet away from them staring at Clint in concern. Clint took one look at her and started crying harder. Natasha looked spooked. "What's wrong? Bucky, what happened?"

"Oh," Bucky looked down at Clint crying form clutching his shirt. "Well, we were talking about uh, what happened earlier." 

"Oh." Natasha said softly, she walked up to Clint. She grabbed his arm and pulled him towards her, he went willingly into her embrace. "Talk to me, what's on your mind?" 

Natasha smiled as Clint started to mumble into her neck. Bucky felt like he should leave, but he didn't want to draw attention to himself. "I can't understand you, love." 

Clint sniffed and drew back enough so he could speak clearly, moving his hands down to her waist. "Please, you have to tell me. Please." 

"Tell you what, love?" Natasha asked, running her hand through Clints hair. Although from the haunted look on her face, Bucky knew she already had an idea on what she was being asked. 

"Did you lose another pup?" Clint choked out, voice so quiet you could barely hear him. He closed his eyes and let out a small whimper. "Please Nat, please. You gotta tell me if you did. Please." 

"No love." Natasha closed her eyes, but Bucky could see the tear that fell. "I didn't lose them, not yet." 

Yet? That means that...that Natasha is...

Clint snapped his head up, body going stiff. "Yet? You're, you. Really?" 

"I can feel them, our little pup." Natasha said softly, her hand drifting down to her stomach. "I didn't know how to tell you. I'm so scared, Clint. I don't think I can handle losing this one." 

"Oh god." Clint choked out. He jumped off the rock and kneeled down in front of Natasha, putting his head directly on her stomach and cried out desperately. "Please."

Okay, Bucky should definitely not be here for this. He looked back and forth between Natahsa and Clint, both now crying in fear of losing their eighth child, and slowly slid down from the rock. He checked to make sure they didn't notice and quickly walked back towards town. He made his way to the house and to Steve, who was sitting alone in the living room. He walked right up to him, ignoring whatever he just said because Bucky didn't hear it, and sat down on top of him. He curled into his chest so his head was against his chest and listened to his strong heartbeat. 

"You okay, Baby?" Steve asked quietly, running his hand through his hair. 

"I was with Clint." Bucky responded. Steve gave a soft hum in understanding. "Seven pups. It's horrible, Stevie. Just horrible." 

He felt Steve nod, and a thought occurred to him. "Hey Steve?" He asked. "How did you know that the girl was miscarrying?" 

"Perks of being pack Alpha." Steve sighed. "I've told you that I have a deep connection with everyone, but I can also feel the young before the father can. It's not fair, but as pack Alpha I need to be able to make sure everyone is okay and if a woman miscarries or if there's something wrong that they can't sense, well that's where I come in." 

"That sounds hard." Bucky says softly. He doesn't think he would be able to do that, having all that responsibility and being able to sense everyone? No way. 

"It is." Steve swallowed. "But it's worth it." 

"So, does that mean you know about Natasha?" Bucky asked quietly. 

"Yeah," Steve sighed. "We've talked about it and I have her seeing Bruce everyday to make sure both her and the baby are okay." 

"Clint didn't know, he just found out." 

"Natasha is terrified. She didn't know how to tell him." Steve said. "She wanted to spare him the pain of losing another child."

"Oh." Bucky said softly, falling quiet.

They sat there in silence for a few minutes before Steve moved to get up. "I have to make preparations for the ceremony tomorrow." 

Bucky forgot about that. He felt a ping of sympathy for the woman who lost her pup. "How does it work? Is it like a funeral?" 

"Well," Steve contemplated. "Yes and no. Its not like the human funerals you've been to. I've told you how wolfs do funerals, its basically like that, but instead of spreading ashes like we do adults, the parents create a grave. I'll tell you about it more tomorrow Buck, but I gotta get everything ready." 

"Okay," Bucky got up and gave Steve a quick kiss. "I'm assuming I'll be sleeping alone?" 

"And waking up alone." Steve said apologetically. "Sorry, love." 

Bucky watched Steve leave, trying hard not to stare at his perfect ass. Now was not the time to get horny, it was the time to sleep. 

Bucky yawned, as if his body was agreeing with him. He went to his room and changed into his sleeping clothes, then laid down on the huge bed and quickly fell asleep. 

~~~~ 

The next day passed in a blur, Steve was busy all day preparing for the ceremony so Bucky was alone for most of the day. He wanted to check in on Clint and Natasha but quickly decided against it, they needed to figure some things out and Bucky didn't want to get in the way of it. So he spent the day inside, working out and cleaning. Before he knew it, it was time for the ceremony. Bruce had stopped by briefly to drop off a white suit for him to wear. Apparently everyone but the parents are supposed to wear white to symbolize rebirth. 

Bucky put on his new white suit and left for the ceremony. Walking to the center of town felt surreal, everyone was wearing white and walking in the same direction. It was dead silent. It was almost creepy, if he was being honest. He spotted Steve, in a black suit, talking to a couple wearing red, Bruce stood next to him, talking softly and Thor stood behind him, both wearing white.

Bucky looked around, some people were wearing purple but the majority were wearing white. Even the children were dressed in white. He spotted Tony and Pepper further back with Peter, all in purple. Clint and Natasha were in purple too, and closer to him so he quickly made his way over to them. His anxiety of standing alone and messing up outweighing the fact that they might not want company. 

Nat spotted him first, giving him a small nod in acknowledgement. Clint turned and smiled sadly at him. "Hey man." 

"Hey guys," he replied quietly. "Um, what's with the different colors?" 

"Red is for the couple who lost their pup," Clint said softly. He looked up at where Steve was still talking to the couple in red and sighed. "It symbolizes life and death."

"Purple is for those who have also lost a pup," Natasha said, taking over. "It symbolizes pain, showing that we understand their loss and are here if they need to talk." 

Bucky nodded in understanding. "What about Steve? He's in all black."

"He's pack Alpha." Nat explained simply.

He nodded and looked around, it was starting to get dark and Steve looked like he was done talking to the couple and was about to start talking to the group. "So, how does this work?" 

"Steve's going to say a few words," Natasha started, she pulled three candles from somewhere and gave one to Clint and Bucky. "Sharon and her husband are going to head out to find a spot to bury their pup, we light our candles as they leave."

"What do we do when they come back?"

"Steve will give them each a candle, we blow out our candles once they have theirs." Nastasha answered. "They blow theirs out after we do." 

Bucky tilted his head in question. 

"It symbolizes letting go." Clint answered, giving Natasha a sideways glance. "It means you're going to start properly grieving and moving on." 

"Moving on." Natasha scoffed. "As if you could move on from the death of your child." 

"I know, Nat." Clint sighed. "But it's good to grieve."

She shook her head and opened her mouth to respond when Steve cleared his throat. Everyone immediately stopped talking and faced him. He stood next to the couple at the front of the crowd, holding his own candle. 

"Thank you all for coming," Steve started, his deep voice rang across the crowd. "We shall begin the puer sepultura at once, as the parents have decided against the group mourning. Please ready your candles." 

Bruce handed Sharon a small box while Thor handed the husband a sculpture of a child, it was around the size of a book and even had clothing on. 

"What's that for?" Bucky whispered.

"The box contains the baby." Clint said just as quietly. "The little statue is supposed to be a grave marker."

Bucky gave him a small nod in thanks and frowned. With Becca, the doctors told her that the baby was too small to bury. They didn't give her a body or anything to bury, it was part of the reason why she took it so hard. She felt like everyone was erasing her baby from existence because she didn't have a grave.

Maybe wolf's are just smarter than humans, Bucky pondered as he watched the couple walk towards the gate. 

"As soon as they're out of sight, light your candle." Clint whispered in Buckys ear. He nodded to show he heard, but his eyes never left the couple. As soon as they started to flicker away, he lit his candle. He could hear others doing the same and soon the darkness faded away, replaced by the soft glow of a hundred candles. 

He couldn't imagine the pain of losing a child. He lost a niece or nephew with Becca, and sure he was sad and grieved with her, but it didn't hurt him as badly as it hurt her or her husband. Some people didn't understand, they were cruel towards Becca. Telling her it wasn't a child, that it wasn't a real loss, that she needed to suck it up, that she had no reason to cry because she could just make another one. It broke his heart, Becca would vent to him whenever someone told her anything like that. She would say it didn't matter if they weren't born, it was still her baby. She would say she couldn't just make another one, because any child she had would never be the one she lost. It didn't matter if she had a hundred other children, none would ever be the unique human being that died in her womb. 

Bucky looked over to Natasha and Clint, only to see them staring aimlessly at the ground. Nats hand was curled on her stomach, Clints over hers as if he could protect them both just by holding on to her. Tears were flowing silently down their face, ignored. Looking around, he noticed a lot of people crying. The ones who were pregnant were in a similar position as Natasha and Clint. As if they were protecting their own pup from the horror of being lost. 

Bucky sniffed and looked up to find Steve. He met his eyes briefly, then looked at Natasha and Clint with a horribly sad expression. Bucky returned his look. It was very possible that they would be back here again very soon for them. 

Sharon and her husband returned, without the box and miniature statue, almost two hours later. Steve handed them each an already lit candle to blow out then took a few steps back to shift. 

Steve wolf form was beautiful. He was a deep gray wolf with large blue and orange eyes. Normally, Bucky would be all over Steve, his fur was so soft and Bucky loved to bury himself in it, but today wasn't about what he wanted. It was about mourning the loss of a child. 

Bucky blew out his candle with the group. It immediately went dark, the only light coming from the stars and the two candles ahead. Sharon was wrapped up in her husband's arms, both sobbing. They softly blew out their candles, leaving them in the soft glow of the moon. 

Steve howled to the sky as Sharon fell to her knees, dragging her husband down with her. Their sobs filled the night sky. 

  
  


_ “A life may last just for a moment, but memory can make that moment last forever.” – Unknown _

_ “How very softly you tiptoed into our world, almost silently, only a moment you stayed. But what an imprint your footsteps have left upon our hearts.” — Dorothy Ferguson _

_ "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” —Maya Angelou _

_ "Heaven and earth may separate us today, but nothing will ever change the fact that you made me a mom.” – Unknown _

_ “When you carry a life and it’s there, and then gone, a part of your soul dies. Forever.” – Casey Wiegano _

**Author's Note:**

> Approximately 1 in 4 women suffer from a miscarriage. 
> 
> There are about 4.4 million confirmed pregnancies in the U.S. every year, 900,000 to 1 million of those end in pregnancy losses EVERY year. 
> 
> More than 500,000 pregnancies each year end in miscarriage (occurring during the first 20 weeks).
> 
> Approximately 26,000 end in stillbirth (considered stillbirth after 20 weeks).


End file.
